This law points out that nothing is more costly than something given for free. Receiving a gift from someone puts one in the position of being under his/her debt. And this is often indicative of one’s inferiority to the gift-giver. Otherwise, why else would you think Blair Waldorf would pay her enemy for keeping mum about her dirty secret in the show called Gossip Girl? As leader of the pack, she just has to be the one in control.
Think about the famous people in history who won their battles by employing this tactic. Pietro Aretino, for example, knew that in order to win the great Marquis of Mantua as a patron for his writing career, he shouldn’t appear to be in need. Instead, he wrote the Marquis a poem and offered it to him it as a gift. By doing so, not only was he able to make himself equal and free from the Marquis’ control, but he also got what he needed.
Albeit giving something for free can be deemed to be an act of bribery, we can’t deny that it’s a powerful tactic. From the gift-giver’s perspective, it works well to one’s advantage. Lorenzo de Medici, heir to the banking empire in Italy, often wielded the weapon of patronage in facing his enemies. Though his act’s motives were questionable, it proved to be a clever thing to do since it has effectively diluted the people’s opinions of his ugly source of wealth. People like Medici knew well that generosity was highly capable of softening people up to be deceived, and that was what he succeeded at.
It’s not uncommon to expect something in return when you do someone a favor. In fact, it’s an innate trait in most of us. Even our friends would do so. Personally, I think being indebted to someone is a psychological thing. Feeling like you owe someone just because he did you a favor is more like a state of mind and a matter of choice.
When your friend has wronged you and you have reason to prolong your anger towards him, would you submit to waving the white flag when he suddenly hands you a gift? What if it’s one of those presents that you’ve wanted for a long time but never really had the means to obtain? Would you stoop down and take that as an opportunity? Or would you stick to your reasons and remain steadfast?
Chua Rojas, Serica Ruth
HI18 - L
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116 comments:
love the gossip girl reference. xoxo
Miss Andrea, you're a fan of gossip girl too? Awesome! :) I just think Blair Waldorf can set a good example for this because incurring a depth of gratitude has never really been a part of her values in the show. Since her mom's wealth is at her disposal, she can easily use it to lord over her enemies. As she told Vanessa once: "Blair Waldorf is indebted to no one." :)
Chua Rojas, Serica
HI18 - L
Yes, it is a universal reaction to return a favour, or even attempt to return a favour, to someone (thus, making it one of the 48 laws of power), but I think this law is considered differently based on the cultural orientation of a person. The degree of how much a person is willing to pay the favour is different from one place to another. Take Filipinos for example. It is almost innate for the Filipinos to have a strong sense of “utang na loob”. It is embedded in our culture and traditions. There is a difference on how Filipinos regard favours and how Americans see it. Though recognizes returning a favour or even returning a favour, but I think the intensity on how they regard it is different from one culture to another.
Mara Liboro
Hi18 - K
i agree with you, Mara. The way people will repay a debt can be different based on ethnicity or culture.
In my opinion, once you start thinking of returning a favor as some sort of obligation, it either means you definitely know a hook was attached to that free sandwich you got, or you simply don't like owing anyone. When a friend does something for you, i think the obligatory sense of your reactions should not be there.
A cautionary thought: real friends would not keep a tally of the favors you do for each other.
monica ang L
I'd have to agree with what Monica said, "real friends would not keep a tally of the favors you do for each other." This just goes to show how certain situations may actually vary. So one thing people should be wary about is the background or status of the gift giver in relation to you. If the person giving the gift is a friend, the likelihood of that friend expecting some superficial favor in return is highly doubtful. Knowing "who" is giving the gift is something that should be looked out for, especially if it comes from some stranger or acquaintance that you aren't close with.
If a friend has wronged me and gave me a gift to soften me up, I would keep my options open and analyze the situation. It may be hard to read if one person is genuinely sorry for the wrong he/she has committed, but if ever there is any reason to doubt the person for their so called apology then I would have to stay steadfast and stick to my reasons.
If you've taken genpsy you might remember the term "norm of reciprocity", which is basically the scientific way to say "utang na loob". It's an advertising tactic. Give people free samples or free gifts, and they're more likely to "reciprocate" by buying your product. People who understand powerplay, like Blair, know not to accept freebies, because being in debt makes you vulnerable to manipulation.
Dominique Du, L
Dominique Du, L
i can relate to this law in a way because every time someone gives me a gift , i end up having that feeling of being obliged to give something back. even if the person who gave me the gift insists that it's okay if i do not give something in return, it is still hard to eliminate that feeling of having to repay.
since the feeling of utang na loob can be innate in some people, it is a useful trick that can be done to others if you need something from them. there's a chance that you will get what you want from them.
but just like what the others said, it can be cultural too. some people might have this uneasy feeling of having to give back while others may not.
it really depends on the people who you are dealing with. you must choose the people you know you'll be able to extract something from.
as for the person receiving, to avoid unwanted feelings of utang na loob and repaying, then despise the free lunch! if done, one can stay away from trouble.
-Philip Albert T. Verde
Hi18 K
I agree with you Philip. The law kind of reminds me the economic principle, "There is no such thing as a free lunch." When applied to this law, it could mean the person who gave you something will be expecting something in return. It's true that Filipinos are more likely to feel indebted to the person who gave them gifts, I know a lot of people who are like that.
So that we don't end up being controlled by the gift-giver:
We should know when to accept the gifts or not. We should know the person's reasons behind the gifts. I don't mean to say that a person can't be thoughtful, it's just that "what if" he's planning to do something.
-Clarice Manuel
Hi 18 K
I think we should not just be happy when we receive something for free. I guess, responsibility and duty follow when we receive something from other people. For an instance, when we receive a nice birthday gift from a friend, you implicitly feel burdened when the birthday of that friend gets near. A person is most likely to expect a gift because he himself has given a nice gift. Receiving something and anything for free, ranging from small things like birthday gifts to bribes, somehow gives the receiver a duty to fulfill. I think, this duty arises from a moral obligation such as gratitude, conscience, and etc.
Yu Chin Hong
Hi18-K
A lot of you guys mentioned that this law depends on the context. Well, I agree with you that most Filipinos are naturally inclined to return a favor. That's part of the beauty of being a Filipino. But one thing I just realized now is that this law may or may not be applied in all situations.
From an economic and political point of view, what Dominic referred to as the "norm of reciprocity" or utang na loob, may not be used as much as a personal one. There's a reason for the old-aged statement: "It's nothing personal; it's just business." I'm sure everyone's heard of this before. It just goes to show that in the real world, when everyone has to take care of themselves first, it helps to be more practical for them to not feel indebted to someone just because they've been given a gift or granted a favor.
I learned a whole deal about this in the Civilization game. When China, for example, agrees to defend my civ, say against England, my people shall be forever grateful for that and would be willing to provide them assistance should they go on war against England. But when I find myself in a situation wherein China needs my help back but then my own civilization is under siege and the size of my army won’t seem to give us further protection should we provide help to China, then I would have to think things through first and decide accordingly.
Returning the favor is a nice and polite act, but you also have to look after yourself first before you look after someone else.
Chua Rojas, Serica
Hi18 - L
I believe that there is no such thing as a free lunch. Call it cynical, but like Serica stated, there are always strings (internally/psychologycally or extrenally) attached.
@Monica: While it is true that real friends don't keep a tally of favors, friendship essentially involves a balance of give-and-take. Too much giving or too much taking will most certainly break a friendship apart. True friendship is not "free" because it also involves an equal and balanced exchange.
A wise leader knows that nothing is free. Newton's third law states that for every action, there is an equal and opposite reaction. The same goes with the concept of "free"--since one has given, it is inevitable to give back in some form, just because it maintains balance and equilibrium.
Chio Cebrero
Hi 18 L
I don't think receiving a gift is a definite indicative of one's lowliness to the gift-giver. The case would vary in numerous circumstances.
For instance, if someone gives you a Christmas present and you don't have anything for that person, it doesn't precisely connote that he/she becomes more powerful than you just because of that. Sure, you may feel the need to also give a gift to that person but his/her giving you one wouldn't really make him/her more authoritative. Whereas if you live in your Aunt's place while you are in the States, you would feel the need to pay her back in some manner or at least offer to do chores while you are living with her since accommodating you in her home somehow marked her superiority over you.
I guess the norm of reciprocity has become part of human nature. When someone does you a favor or gives you a gift, you will, in due course, feel the need to pay that person back even if you initially didn't intend to. The mark of supremacy, however, would vary depending on the situation.
Monica Copuyoc
Hi18- L
I think the Philippines missed the memo on this law. A lot of Filipinos think that resources (money, food, etc.) attained at no fee at all is the solution to all their problems. Our government's only solution to calamities are dole-outs. Even the rich find that the only way to help them is to give them things. We have shows like Wowowee that instill the idea that money can simply be won, and that even more money can be received if your story is sad enough.
Many Filipinos revel in the free lunch. We take it when it is provided for us, and we ask for it when it is not. At some point, we've all done it. But to those who don't know any better, this free lunch in small scale (e.g. from one rich person to another) or large scale (e.g. from one rich country to another) is the only way to go.
And it gets them stuck in the culture of poverty. The idea that in the end, someone will provide it for you just promotes learned helplessness. So many people initially tend to think that the Philippines is behind in the economy because we don't have enough resources. This is not true - we have so many resources, but we simply choose to think that they're not good enough, and so fail to improve and produce them. Foreigners gave us a taste of their resources for free for a while in time (e.g. when the Americans occupied the Philippines), and look - now we depend on them.
No wonder the US is a superpower.
- Juan Carlos Miguel M. Galvez
Hi18 - L
i agree with nikka and the whole norm of reciprocity/utang na loob bit. and i guess it comes w culture, too. like everything else.
with regards to this law, i disagree w galvez. there's a diff with despising the free lunch when you have nothing and despising it when you have everything. so, i really don't think poverty can be an issue in the first place. on the contrary, i think that filipinos are even more inclined NOT to partake of the free lunch when given the chance. just because we do have that sense of utang-na-loob, esp w people whom we aren't close to.
ocampo 18-k
I would have to agree with mr./ ms. :D Ocampo. I think he/she is right in mentioning that there is a fine line between despising free lunch when you have everything and despising it when you have nothing. The latter act has a more truthfulness to a person who does that because his conviction is manifested even without anything else to fall back to, right?
In reaction to Paolo, Mara, Monica, Philip, Ice Clarice (whew! hi guys!):
I think that things become a lot more different when friendship comes into play. Like I mentioned in my last comment: diplomatic, political and economic affairs are far different from personal ones. When it comes to the former kind of affair, I think that a certain kind of system needs to be followed. It's like you have to follow your mind more than you do your heart. In other words, you shouldn’t take things personally. Honestly, I kind of like this principle because a standard or an official agreement is more likely to lessen any hard feelings among people. When something isn't followed, it voids the contract and people shall just have to move on with their lives knowing that business is simply business.
Chua Rojas, Serica
Hi18 - L
I have mixed feelings about this law. When we were in New York once, a family friend invited us to stay in her place, but it was kind of far from all the attractions we wanted to see. But my grandmother reminded me, "beggars can't be choosers." We didn't have a house in New York and paying for a hotel in the city was extremely expensive, not to mention we were a rather big group. She reminded me that we were lucky enough to have been given this "free lunch" in the form of free board and lodging, so I should not complain about it being far from the city. This free lunch ended up being nothing but positive and helpful to us and greatly affected the amount of money we were to spend.
Despite this, I also know how sometimes the "free lunch" comes with strings attached, which I think leaves such a burden upon one's shoulders. When I'm dealing with someone I'm not close to, I usually don't like asking for favors because, like the others said, I'll end up feeling in debt to them or as if I owe them something. It's not a fun feeling and it's one that burdens you whenever you hear about/come into contact with that particular person. So the lunch isn't really "free" because you definitely are paying for it.
Regina A. Yulo
Hi 18 L
I see your point when seen in the context of the quest for power. But about the rarity of not expecting something in return for a favor, I think works of charity are still going on around the world. People going around and doing works of charity to complete strangers. I was part of this thing where we go to a hospital in Christmas season and just give gifts to the ones without families. Every parent has some unconditional love for their children...so yeah...this comment sounds so hippie. o_0
Denis Flores
hi 18k
@ Ina dear:
First of all, I applaud you for pointing out that beggars can't be choosers. When you're in dire need of help, you have to be brave enough to admit that.
However, I'm not saying that one should deny a friend when he lends a hand. Friend A can be greatly indebted to friend B for helping friend A go through an ordeal, but he should know when and how to call the shots. Now that brings to mind the idea of sacrifice... When you love someone, yadayadayada...but the point here is to know when to return the favor.
If under the circumstances, your heart is fully equipped with all the strength to help out, then by all means. You don't help a friend simply because he helped you out before, but because you love him. Favors always come with attachments but it is in the way those attachments are reasoned out that makes them agreeable or not. :)
Chua Rojas, Serica
Hi18 - L
@ Denis:
Yes, there are a good number of people in the world who would "expecting nothing in return" for the favors that they make. And that's a good thing. Given your comment, I'm guessing you're one of them. :)
I believe that this law only applies to certain people. If you are one who is concerned with control and gaining the upper hand in a situation then you will constantly remind those you have given a "free lunch" to their obligation in paying you in return. It is important to keep an open eye for people like these because we wouldn't want to waste our time with someone who is only concerned with squeezing whatever they can out of a supposed friendship.
If someone constantly reminded me of my debts towards him, then I wouldn't call that person my friend anymore. A friend is someone who gives out of the goodness of his heart, as cheesy as that may sound. There are definitely no strings attached with a deal between genuine friends.
It is safe to say that there are still real good people out there who are concerned with the betterment of others and are willing to lend a helping hand without getting anything in return. Although they are in minority, there is still hope that people will respond to the need for a change in how people deal with others highlighting the importance of giving without asking anything in return.
Teri Marcelo
Hi 18-K
Yes, it's true that receiving gifts from others makes our heart melt. But sometimes, we must be wary and say to ourselves that "it's too good to be true." A downside of this gift-giving situation is that we aren't assured nor guaranteed of the reciprocation from the receiver. He may be the type who's a tad cold-hearted, who'd simply take your gift and not give anything in return. He might have the impression that he doesn't necessarily have to give back. It's always a free choice anyway, right?
Once the reciprocation fails, there would be no sense of feedback and your desire to communicate or whatsoever would be delayed or probably diminished.
Gliza Marasigan
Hi18-L
I believe dichotomy is the rule. Everyone really does expect something in return. However, issues of unaddressed reciprocity suffice especially in a very capitalist world. The wealth isn't spread out amongst the people - think of the triangle analogy teachers teach you. Taking further, in effect, you don't get reimbursed for your expense when gift giving. Not talking about this in monetary terms but in moral, social and existential terms too. Does all our investment yield reciprocal returns in the end?
Who knows.
Joey Palma
Hi18-K
i agree with teri on this one. it does depend on the people you apply this law on. if they're the type to be aware of and care about the obligations tied to a "gift" or are part of a culture that follows this social norm, then yes, it'd work. but in a game of power and in war, this might not always work. not everyone's got a conscience. not everyone will automatically want to return the favor all the time.
kristina tan hi18 k
In a primarily capitalist world we are living in, indeed, there is no such thing as a free lunch. Everything has a price. This law actually reminds me of the concept of reciprocal obligation in our Law class. Both parties are at the same time debtors and creditors to one another. The fulfillment of the obligation is done simultaneously. When one party fulfills his obligation and the other doesn't, default of the latter starts from that moment the former accomplishes his part. Similarly, once a person gives you a gift, from that very moment, you are like indebted to him.
Rhea Entuna
section L
On the more evil side of things, you could just take it and not feel anything towards whoever gave you the "free lunch" =P
anyway, feeling like we owe others something since they did something nice like give a gift is part of human nature, nothing bad there, we just have to be aware of the reasons such nice things are being done for us... maybe then can we free ourselves of whatever suspicion arises?
Jame Say
Hi18-K
As answer to the question about the gift thing, I think I wouldn’t accept it. Though it’s something I’ve wanted for a long time, it doesn’t change a fact that it came from an “enemy” or whatever you might call a person you hate. Something you really like plus something you really hate mixed together? I mean, I have a reason to prolong the anger, so the deed done unto me was that bad. And then, the fact that he obtained something I “never really had the means to obtain,” and is going to give it to me, that’s just going to piss me off more.
Anyway, about the law, I also believe this is a purely psychological thing. And that also means it’s subjective. Sometimes, there are people who don’t feel compelled to return favors. This law doesn’t apply to them. There are also people who hate having others do him/her favors, and these people are the ones who follow the law.
I also think law 40 can be extended to something like: “despise free lunch – let others have it.” ^_^. Use “free lunches” to soften other people, so they will feel indebted to you. But then again, this is also psychological so it’s subjective. Like there are people who don’t care about favors, there are also people who don’t give a damn to accepting free stuff. So it would be wise to choose those who you think you can deceive. Maybe those kinds of people Say mentioned can be good targets...(they'll just think of nice things as reasons for those gifts you give...)
Chris Macalinao
Hi18 – L
You are absolutely right! "Nothing is more costly than something given for free." And i'll have to disagree with Mara when she says that this law is context-limited. I believe that this can be applied in not just different countries, but also in different realms of life. In economics, there's really no such thing as a free lunch, as previously mentioned by Clarice Manuel. There will always be an opportunity cost for every action.
Elise Noelle Anne Lim
Hi18 Section L
@Teri: It's good to still be able to see the good side of things in life, and I agree that there are people who would expect nothing in return. But should they be offered something in return, it may be a good idea to accept small tokens of appreciation. That keeps the relationship between the person and the gift-giver healthier.
Personally, I would think it a genuine and grateful act to create an artwork for someone who has helped me go through a horrible ordeal (since art is what I'm into). And though this act is very much part of the "norm of reciprocity", it plays on the good side of things. The way I see it, this person made me happy and I just want to give back what I've been given. There's no strings attached to it, simply a strong kind of friendship and a love that will last for a long time. :)
Chua Rojas, Serica
Hi18 - L
Just like what Ina said, I have mixed feelings with this law as well. Sometimes one gives because that person is really just that generous, and would like to share his blessings. A few years back I had to undergo a biopsy and the surgeon was a friend of my dad's and he didn't let us pay for his fee anymore. We felt iffy about this because we didnt want to owe him something, but that wasnt his intention. He is really just a generous guy who wanted to help us out. Right now, he and my dad are like best friends going to recollections together. :)
However, one should be careful in accepting a "free lunch" especially if maybe it involves politics or whatnot. Some people expect that you will give them something in return or if they need your help, you cannot turn them down because you owe them for the free lunch you accepted.
Laurine Fabul, L
I remembered a scene from The Godfather when Don Corleone gave a gift to someone and as a result of which expected something in return.
Gift giving during the time of the Roman empire was often practiced in order to gain either friendship, protection, or approval towards another. By accepting these gifts, one assumes that the receiver is indebted to the giver. One must be aware if the gift was given out of shear gratitude or whether it was given with the expectation of you returning the favor someday.
Richard Hahn
L
Mmhmm, I think a particularly effective tool of power is beholdenness--making someone feel like they are indebted to you, and playing on their moral conscience to keep their integrity by not harming you. Even if the gifts themselves aren't charming, they represent both power and a necessity for a certain form of gratitude.
Peep Warren
Hi18-L
This is similar to when your family has a doctor and then you don't pay for physical exams or check ups anymore because you've already been with the doctor for years. It's harder to think of gifts to give the doctor than to just pay for all charges. Because, even if you've given a gift it does not seem enough and there is as you've said a point of debt. I agree that this is more of psychological ideal. I think that in order for this to be effective, one has to give the favor before the wrongdoing, this way it's more subtle.
Czarina Kathryne Masagca
Hi18-L
@ Rhea: You said something about reciprocal obligation. In its strictest sense, that is what makes things in the political world less personal. Once a party doesn't fulfill his obligation then it's bye bye and the contract gets void. And that keeps matters systematic and organized. Excellent point!
But I would have to disagree with you about this principle being applicable to matters of friendship. Friends don't count the things they've done for one another. When they give something back to one another, it is fueled by love, grounded on a strong foundation of
friendship.
Chua Rojas, Serica
Hi 18 - L
@ Teri: Yes, I agree with you. People who like nothing more than to remind others of their obligation to pay him in return do sound selfish. But I’m also kind of puzzled when it comes to the realms of politics. I mean like every time a mayor or a congressman heads a feeding program or donates like say a small library to the community, they see it as a “practical” thing for them to print out those accomplishments on huge tarps to hang them on electric posts, over-pass, etc. That’s because those could serve as a good way for them to get exposed for their campaigns, and as a better way to convince people to vote for them. If they don't do it that way, how could anyone expect them to win, right?
And yes, there are still people out there who are genuine in giving something without expecting anything in return. That is what makes them so rare and precious. There are only a few of them left. But if mankind would only continue this kind of goodwill, then surely, this legacy will last longer than expected.
Chua Rojas, Serica
Hi 18 - L
@ Gliza: Yes, you’re absolutely right. You are in the power to accept the gift or not. What doesn’t come free is when you finally accept something for free. Sounds ironic, isn’t it? When you finally succumb to what the other party has to offer you, the freedom to decide whether or not you’re giving something back will most likely disappear on its own. Yes, it could just get out of your control. Meanwhile, I also think that accepting something for free will only come free if you have successfully conditioned your mind to that kind of idea.
Chua Rojas, Serica
Hi 18 - L
@Richard:
You know what, I think that the word “gift” should be replaced with the word “leverage” or trade. Like with how friendships and protection are gained by giving gifts during the time of the Roman empire..It just doesn’t make sense to call it gift-giving when the receiver should respond by giving something in return sooner or later. I mean the very reason why gifts are called "gifts" is because they're given for free, without any required "counter-present".
Chua Rojas, Serica
Hi 18 - L
@Peep:
Yeah, I kinda think that will work. It’s almost the same as killing your enemy softly. I think that no matter how hard we try to define it, giving gifts or receiving them will always be seen in a certain way. The only good thing about this is that it could work to your advantage. My only suggestion is that we don’t see it as a gift primarily because this law makes it look like an obligatory act for someone to give something back when the idea of gifts are involved.
On another note, playing on your enemy’s moral conscience to keep his integrity by not harming you makes it a lot easier to say that it’s a win-win situation. The enemy feels good about himself for doing a good deed, and you benefit from that act. So I say just get on with it.
Chua Rojas, Serica
Hi 18 - L
@ Kristina:
“..but in a game of power and in war, this might not always work.”
Not everyone’s got a conscience, you’re right. In fact, I think that up to a certain extent, I agree with the law about crushing your enemies totally. Like what I said about political/diplomatic affairs, the welfare of your country has got to come first before anyone else’s. This is a matter of survival of the fittest.
Chua Rojas, Serica
Hi 18 - L
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